The following interview with Kev E. Kev.com was conducted October 2002. Names have been changed to protect families, pets, etc. Presented for your enlightenment is the entire interview, transcribed verbatim:



INQUISITOR: Kev E. Kev.com, deconstruct the symbolic significance of the ape.

KEV E. KEV.COM: So the ape is our like. . .are you recording this?! Alright this is the distances between universes, alright? You gotta understand, you got on one side the rational mind, the other side, the irrational mind. You got the ape in the middle. Because do you think people came from monkeys? They didn’t! They came from baby chimps. Why does E--- look like a baby fucking chimp?! He didn’t come from no. . .developed gorilla. You see this? [pointing to gorilla face on t-shirt] This is an evolved motherfucking species. Humans, a.k.a. C---, did not come from an evolved ape – and I don’t mean devolved. Because if you devolve the shit on my shirt, you get what – a baby chimp. And when you get a baby chimp. . .OK let me ask you something; LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW; hold on. . . [takes a drink and a moment to compose himself]

Alright, let me just lay it down. I’ve got some Stephen J. Gould shit for you right now. Fuckin’ A don’t get your nuts in my face. OK, how come baby chimpanzees look like humans and developed chimpanzees don’t look like humans, yet ninety-eight percent. . .NINETY-NINE PERCENT chimpanzee D.N.A. looks like American human D.N.A. – AMERICAN human D.N.A.

Let me answer that shit for you. You know you all with your ideas about evolution – that ain’t right, alright? [to driver] Turn this shit up man let me talk over this shit. I need something to talk over. GIVE ME A DRUM TRACK! Come on. Are these your nuts? You want some nuts? Huh? Eat ‘em! Eat ‘em you fucking baby chimp-ass face. Alright. Think about it. Alright.

It was proven like seven, eight years ago, that Americans do not come from Neanderthals. Alright? Americans don’t come from Neanderthals, Americans come from a separate species. Americans come from a different species – Neanderthals and Americans have been around at the same time. Neanderthals dies out because they didn’t – they don’t got the roots! Neanderthals died out, Americans lasted. Homo Sapiens Americanoos.

Let me just say one thin, OK: baby chimpanzees look like humans. . .and Neanderthals, they don’t look like humans. So where are we coming from for real? [smiling] FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

I’m not done.

Alright. Hold on. SHUT UP! E---! SHUT THE FUCK UP! COME ON! [pouring large amounts of water on E---]

INQUISITOR: Look at that! Look at that face!

E---: You’re a fucking gorilla! Asshole! ASSHOLE!

KEV E. KEV.COM: LIGHTS!! [spits chewed nuts onto carpet. . general exclamations]

INQUISITOR: Were those nuts?

KEV E. KEV.COM: No those were nuts. . .I just spit up nuts. I’M TOTALLY SPITTING UP NUTS!

Alright let me finish. Can you get some neon shit on me?

INQUISITOR: You’ve changed; ever since you’ve become a dot-com you’re different.

KEV E. KEV.COM: [lights a lighter and grins mischievously]

INQUISITOR: You used to be normal, ever since you became a dot-com you think you’re super-human.

KEV E. KEV.COM: [unintelligible]

INQUISITOR: You think now that you’re a dot-com you’re special. You’re different now.

KEV E. KEV.COM: Oh yeah different like this! [begins gyrating violently to music] YEEEAAH!! Yeah how you like that different? Yeah mister blazer-and-jeans! Blazer and jeans what are you saved by the bell the new class?! TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON! I WANNA EXPOSE THIS MOTHERFUCKER! TURN THE LIGHTS ON! FUCK YOU! ZAKK D. MORRIS! ZAKK D. MORRIS! GREG LOUGAINASAURUS!

INQUISITOR: No; none of it’s true I deny it all.

KEV E. KEV.COM: Blazer; the blue. Blue jeans – it’s disguising in his jean-sacks! [grabbing violently at the Inquisitors jeans] I’m gonna rip this shit off!

INQUISITOR: You’ve gone mad with power!

KEV E. KEV.COM: Ah, power. . .I’ll give you power [pouring more water, this time on the Inquisitor] YEEAAH!!

YES! POWER! FEEL IT! FEEL IT THROBBING THROUGH YOUR VEINS! Oh, the power. Turn that fucking light on! I’m gonna expose these motherfuckers for what they are. Take it off. Take your blazer off. Take your motherfucking Harvard jeans off. Man yeah. Yeah you played for about eighty people tonight – you feel fucking proud? You wanna stick your dick in an ass? In a glory hole?

INQUISITOR: Kev E. I never thought. . .you of all people!

[FROM OFF CAMERA]: KEV E. KEV DOT COM!! KEV E. KEV DOT COM!!

KEV E. KEV.COM: Yeah you didn’t think. . .I was fucking John Stossel’s cousin man! I’m gonna expose you for what you are! John Stossel’s second, man’s, aunt’s, motherfucking grandmama’s, slave-tradings, cousin.

INQUISITOR: Are you down with M---? Is that what you’re about?

KEV E. KEV.COM: Nah nah; M--- and I. . .man I fucking cut that cocksucker’s dick off, man.

INQUISITOR: So you’re big in size, is that what you’re saying?

KEV E. KEV.COM: FUCKING TURN THOSE LIGHTS ON!

[pouring yet more water on the Inquisitor] AHHH YEEEAAAH YEEEAAAH!!
[pouring beer on E---] YEAAH! YEAAH!

E---: Asshole! You’ve gone mad with power!

INQUISITOR: Turn the lights off he’s gone insane!

KEV E. KEV.COM: AAHH! HOLY SHIT!!

Alright.

[wrapping a scarf around his neck] Dude I had a girl she was like: you wanna dance with me? Like, come on you wanna dance?

INQUISITOR: No, no, no.

KEV E. KEV.COM: She was like this, you wanna dance? So I was like, yeah! AND THEN [band] FUCKING GOT IN MY FACE, and they were like let’s get out of here, we got a major label record deal to sign. And I was like, come on man! What about all your fucking shit about, about not selling out? Remember you sold that shit to me in your third grade bathroom about not selling out? And I’m like THEY’RE SELLING OUT! And this blonde bitch was like: oh baby please don’t sell out, your cock is so large and hot, but if you sell out I can’t suck it because of all the green sores on it! [attacking B---] She was like AHH AHH and the fucking [band] pulled my head out of there like AHH AHH! Like please I don’t want you to sell out!

INQUISITOR: Goddammit Kev E. you’ve gone mad! YOU’VE GONE MAD WITH POWER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?! CAN YOU POSSIBLY COMPREHEND WHAT THAT MEANS?! GODDAMMIT KEV E. Kev E. when will you learn? That’s enough. When will the cycle end? What price rock and roll?

KEV E. KEV.COM: [standing] What price rock and roll? WHAT PRICE ROCK AND ROLL?!

INQUISITOR: Easy, easy. . .

KEV E. KEV.COM: [unscrewing a Gatorade bottle and unbuttoning pants] Turn it on! Turn it on! Fucking A. I’m gonna fuck this Gatorade man! I’m gonna fuck it. . .

YYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHGHHH!!!!!!!

Oh I’m gonna fuck in this Gatorade. . .oh it’s so good. . .

[achieves penetration of Gatorade bottle] Yeeeaaah. . . AH! Feel it AH! Oh my god. . .Fucking Gatorade! Oh Michael Jordan I feel your fucking bitch of my earth! Oh push it harder. . .oh oh oh yeah yeah. . .

YYYEEEEEAAAAHHH!!

[sits down calmly] Yeah you want some Stanislavski baby? That’s fucking Marlon Brando. [calmly buttons pants] There ain’t nobody in the driver’s seat baby – wanna take a look? You all are the ones that invited me, why you fucking complaining?

Ugh.

Cut it -- I’m done.

[end of tape]